“One of the most important things you can do on this earth is to let people know they are not alone.”
― Shannon L. Alder
When I was thirty, I went through a divorce. It was fairly clean and civil as divorces go. Quite the opposite of our marriage, really. One of the first tasks that I needed to do as a newly single mother was move to a new home. It was overwhelming. I was 1400 miles away from my family, and I did not really know anyone local. If I am completely honest, I likely would not have called anyone for help even if I’d had anyone to call. I was embarrassed and ashamed at the crazy turn my life had taken over the previous seven years.
I remember attempting to pack up the master bedroom, and I came across the game Candyland. We had bought the game recently in order to have family game nights to encourage more bonding time and try to reconnect. In that moment, it felt like it represented everything wrong in my life, and I sat on the floor and sobbed for the longest time.
It was shortly after that when my doorbell range. I had no idea who might be coming by, but I went to answer it anyway. And there, standing in the doorway, were two women. I knew these women. They were acquaintances in the friend group circle that we hung out with as a couple. Apparently, word had made it out that my ex and I had separated and that I had to move ASAP.
I don’t remember the exact words they said to me, but the essential message was that they wanted to help me and my son get to a safe place. They wanted me to know I was not alone. They helped me pack my house. They hugged me while I cried. They made me laugh. They befriended my son. Most importantly, they didn’t expect anything from me. I’m not sure I can properly describe how much it meant to me to have them show up like that. We became fast friends.
When someone is going through a crisis, they often feel overwhelmed and unable to act. It is good to let people know they can call you anytime, and also to recognize that sometimes people will feel unable to make that call. Anxiety, embarrassement, shame, guilt, sadness – those emotions can make a person feel paralyzed and unable to reach out. They may feel unwanted, or they may not want to burden anyone. When you show up, you take away the pressure of them deciding to reach out.
Showing up doesn’t have to be big. The smallest action can matter more than you can imagine. A few years ago, I suffered a miscarriage. I was devastated. One day, I opened my front door to find a small care package. There was a sweet card and a couple of boxes of tea from a friend of mine. It was the first smile I had in days, and even though she didn’t even ring my doorbell, I felt her love and caring in that moment. That small act carried me through some very dark days.
It is an understatement to say that we often do not know what to do when someone is going through something rough. It is easy to let fear keep us from acting. However, if we can let go of the idea that people need to be OK all the time and accept that anger, fear, sadness, and anxiety are normal; healthy emotions, perhaps we can all learn to just be present for each other. It is enough to just show up and let people know that they are not alone.
Deathwine 